All that you fashion

I am a fully paid-up member of the liberal metropolitan elite, despite living in a rural area, been educated at a comprehensive school, and holding one or two reactionary views about the use of nouns as verbs.

I voted to stay in the EU. I'm not going to tell you again why it was such a bad decision to vote leave, let's face it, we are all pretty bored of going over the same arguments over and over again. But with my old mucker Monmarduman offering his well-reasoned, erudite and carefully-costed plans for his vote, I couldn't let the occasion slip peacefully past. So here is my new-fangled pound-coins worth.

1. "If voting changed anything they'd abolish it"

I have a proud record in general elections of always voting, but never having the person I voted for returned to Parliament. My relationship to what passes for a democratic process in the UK is a bit like one of those battered wives explaining why she stays with the oaf who continually beats the shit out of her. "But I love him".

Well, no longer. I have fallen out of love with our general elections. So instead of following it all on the (too) many media and newspapers that invade our lives, I will be hunkering down, doing as much cycling as I can, and avoiding as much of the rubbish as I can.

2. "As their lies wash you down and their promises rust"

Really? You needed to be told that they lie? Because if they were honest with you, you would never vote for them.....

3. The electoral system is fundamentally unfair and undemocratic.

I say this knowing that if a sufficiently inspiring and well-organised bunch of remainers existed (it doesn't) then they could in theory reverse Brexit by persuading only 35-40% of the electorate to vote for Lib Dem candidates in 326 constituencies. And we already know that May's Little Englander brigade will get a 100 seat majority on about 40% of the vote. Look at Scotland. The SNP garners almost all the seats, on just 45% of the vote.

Just don't argue because I'm on very solid ground on this one.

4. The "will of the people" doesn't exist

Most of "the people" can barely construct a sentence, never mind a rational argument, let alone a concept as definite as a collective will. These types of ideas are best left in history where they belong. Just look up Leni Riefenstahl and all the trouble that comes from this kind of ideology.

5. The main forces that act upon us are not affected by Elections

Count how many times you hear the phrase "global warming" in this election. I bet it will be on the fingers of one hand. Yet in 100 years time, our great grandchildren will look back at these petty squabbles and curse us for our short-sighted parochialism.

6. Bias runs through us like Usain Bolt in the 100 metres

Quickly, purposefully but there nonetheless. Confirmation bias, gender and race bias, all lurking just under the surface, for all of us, even me. It's been scientifically proved time and time again. So don't pretend your voting intentions are objective.

7. Don't try and understand the Northern Ireland situation

There's a reason all those seats are lumped into "Others" and never discussed by whichever Dimbleby is on the TV. It just risks starting an argument that will never end. The Irish don't really understand it and they've been having the argument for over 400 years. It's emotional, it's sectarian, it's tribal, it's religious. Don't go there.

8. A lot of Welsh vote for a party advocating independence, but hardly any of them actually want independence.

I'm sure this could be explained easily and simply, but I've never understood it. Perhaps it's a protest, but in contrast to the Irish it rarely (with the exception of a few holiday cottages going up in smoke) ends in violence. More likely to end in singing.

9. We get the politicians and the politics we deserve

In the forties and fifties, and even in the sixties and seventies, the characters in UK politics were ethical, and generally had experience of life before going to Westminster. Even if you disagreed with them, most people felt that our MPs had some ethos of public service about them.

Not now. A lot have never had a real job, never mind interacted with us in any meaningful way. Think Malcolm Tucker. Very funny but desperately sad all at the same time.

But what have we done about this situation? We created it by virtue of our indolence.

10. It will all be over soon.

And we can get back to what we all do best.....whatever that is. In the meantime, I'm ignoring the whole sorry business. No, really....